Giving & Receiving Communication

Giving & Receiving Communication

Written By Marissa Lecaros, LMFT-Associate

As I reflect on the work I do with couples, I noticed how many times miscommunication happens or how often defensiveness comes up due to core beliefs. It got me thinking of how many couples want to connect yet at times miss the mark when communicating due to their own internal experience. In Gottman therapy that would be seen as a failed “bid” for connection. So, I thought I would share some information about the communication tool I often tell my clients about - Nonviolent Communication. 

Due to life experiences and trauma, sometimes we do not convey the message we want to get across, OR sometimes our partner may interpret it completely differently than intended. That is the duality of things - we can be having a completely different experience than our partner when we are communicating… and that's okay!

Nonviolent communication has 4 parts: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests

The idea is to clearly express how you are without blaming or criticizing, and as well empathetically receiving how you are without hearing blame or criticism. Let me explain a bit more about those 4 parts.

Observations: Sometimes we react to things and are not fully aware of what just happened; maybe it was a build up, maybe we got annoyed, maybe we felt shamed, etc. Observations can be something we notice or hear, and it can give some context into the process of our reality/experience which can then create a shared reality with our partner. When we can be aware and describe what we observe, it can take us away from right/wrong thinking and pull us into accountability, empathy, and connection. It can sound like “When I hear the TV being loud during my meeting…” Let’s talk about the next step.

Feelings: Oftentimes I hear couples say “I feel like you … (fill in the blank)”. When we say “I feel like”, most of the time we are not actually saying a feeling word and we are most likely saying a belief we have. This can create confusion for the partner that is trying to understand, and in severe cases it can cause a lack of empathy due to not being able to connect to the feeling. With feelings, we want to describe our inner experience rather than describe our interpretation of our partner’s actions. For example: “I feel lonely” describes an inner experience, while “I feel like you don’t care about me” describes an interpretation of how the other person may be feeling and may be coming from a core belief we have. We want to focus on our inner experience so our partner can understand our reality. Even if the core belief is said, that can be a moment to then say “When I say that out loud, I realize that I am actually feeling lonely and sad”. If it is hard to choose a feeling word, feel free to look at a feelings wheel!

If we were to continue the path from above it can then sound like “When I hear the TV being loud during my meeting I feel sad and frustrated because…” Next step!

Needs: Nonviolent communication is aimed to help us attempt to communicate in a non shaming/blaming way, and rather than pointing fingers it helps us be curious of how we were feeling in the moment we noticed something happen. For example, let's say your partner forgot to take out the trash after you asked them to and then you all missed trash pick up. You might be feeling frustrated and annoyed and want to say “I told you to take the trash out!” then your partner might react by saying “I was in the middle of doing something why didn't you remind me” Could you guess where this could potentially go? Let’s skip that and say we used nonviolent communication - “I noticed that when the trash did not get picked up, I felt disappointed and not heard.. I need to believe that you respect and hear me.” When we use I statements and lead with how we were feeling in the moment, we can at times receive more empathy as it is not blaming the other person for your own individual feelings. Let’s add to our previous conversation from the other steps: “When I hear the TV being loud during my meeting I feel sad and frustrated because I need to be able to focus as this meeting is important to me and I need to get a sense that I am being respected…” Next and last step!

Requests: This part I find individuals and couples struggle with the most, and it is mostly because some may see this as a demand rather than a request. To make a request, we want to ensure that we are being clear and specific, respectful, empathetic, and open to however the other person receives it. Nonviolent communication sees it as a “positive request” which just means that you are requesting what you want vs what you do not want. For example a positive request could sound like “I would like for us to spend more alone time together by going on a date once a month”. The opposite of this (requesting what you don’t want) would be “I don’t want us to attend so many social events”. I also like to highlight for clients that it is ok if you do not know what you want or need when making a request! Just by doing the first few parts you and your partner can get closer to what the request could be and work as a team. Now, let’s complete our nonviolent communication from the previous steps: “When I hear the TV being loud during my meeting I feel sad and frustrated because I need to be able to focus as this meeting is important to me and I need to get a sense that I am being respected. For the next hour, could the volume please be turned down?”. 

I know this might sound difficult to do because we are not necessarily taught to communicate in this way. It just takes practice. If it seems difficult, I typically recommend starting out with just the first 2 parts - Observations and Feelings. You can even preface it by telling your partner you are going to attempt to practice nonviolent communication. Once you feel comfortable, then you can add the Needs and Requests. If you are the one receiving communication, and you do not fully understand, no worries! Use curiosity to reflect back what you heard and ask empathetic questions. The purpose of this is to slow the process down, and get you more curious about your own internal experience and more curious about your partner's internal experiences. Miscommunication happens and that is ok, one of the biggest reasons we communicate is to feel/be connected - be present with each other and notice those bids for connection!

Book Resources: 

• Nonviolent Communication

• Say What You Mean

Marissa is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist - Associate in the state of Texas supervised by Kim Fry, LMFT-S. Her clinical counseling degree is from St. Edward’s University with a concentration in Couples and Family Counseling. 

5 Steps To Enhance Your Relationship

5 Steps To Enhance Your Relationship

Written by Julie Walder, LPC

It’s happened, your relationship has officially gone from HOT, to NOT. It happens… to everyone. Relationships take work, especially the longer you are in one. For some, you don’t see the decline for years but for others you see the decline 6 months in. Relationships are different from person to person, culture to culture but one thing is the same, they all have their ups and downs. Once you are officially out of the “pink cloud” phase of the relationship, reality sets in and the real work starts. Don’t be scared, I’ve got a few tips to help you out.

Step 1: GET TO KNOW THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU

How well do you really know the person in front of you? When we are in the “pink cloud” phase, we have tons of happy chemicals in our brain that sometimes cloud everything else around us. All we can think about is how happy and in-love we are. We don’t want anything to ruin those feelings… why would we?! But the reality is that often those feelings of joy and excitement blur the rest of the relationship. You need to understand your partner’s inner world to really understand the person in front of you. Learning about your partner’s inner world will make your partner feel like you are truly interested in who they are which can be a great way to enhance feelings of connection.

Questions to ask your partner can be anything personal such as: “Hey Honey, what music group/artist are you into right now?”; “Babe, what is your favorite childhood memory?”; “Love, what are your hopes and dreams?” “What are your top 5 favorite movies?” “If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?” WARNING! If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, don’t be surprised if your partner’s answers have changed. Over time our preferences, likes and dislikes change. That is why is it so important to ask personal questions like the ones above. Try to make it a point to get to know your partner again and again. You can ask these questions every few months, to once a year, but don’t wait too long. If you are having a difficult time thinking of questions to ask, I suggest downloading the Gottman Card Decks from the Gottman Institute onto your phone. The app is free and has every question you can think of!

Step 2: USE THE INFORMATION TO THE BENEFIT OF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER

Okay, now that you know the person in front of you, the next step is to take action! Your partner just told you personal information that you can use to plan for future dates, gifts, and trips. Using the questions in Step 1 as an example: plan a date night with the new information. Play your partner’s favorite music group during a meal together. Make a meal (take out is fine) based on the part of the world your partner would love to live. Plan a date where all you do is watch your partner’s favorite movies. The point here is that you are making an effort! Not only did you make an effort to understand who your partner is, but you listened to them and put their words into action. Imagine how your partner must feel now. 😊

Step 3: BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORDS

So your partner works 50 hours a week and you work 60 hours a week. Or, you and your partner work, have 2 kids, and a dog. In today’s society, we are busy every minute of the day. This often leads to relationships having decreased communication. One day, you might get an hour of time with your partner, another day you get 5 minutes. Or you might feel like two ships passing in the night. However long you get to communicate, talk with your partner… MAKE IT COUNT! Take advice from Don Miguel Ruiz’s ‘4 agreements’,  “Be impeccable with your words.”

Whether the only mode of communicating at that moment is through text, or just sitting on the couch, make every word count. Make sure you convey honesty and integrity. It is a difficult concept to consider on a daily basis, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes. And don’t get down on yourself if you slip up, you’re only human.

Step 4: COMPLIMENT, COMPLIMENT, COMPLIMENT

When was the last time you gave your partner a compliment? When was the last time you told your partner you appreciated something they did? This step goes hand in hand with Step #3. Find time to compliment or praise your partner. Over time and as our schedules get busier, compliments start go out the window. Giving a compliment takes 5 seconds. “Your hair looks great today!”; “Dinner was delicious!”; “You have a beautiful smile." You can even take it one step forward and tell your partner something you appreciate. “I really appreciate it when you watched the kids this morning so I can sleep in." It feels good to receive compliments and appreciations. You are acknowledging something personal and/or something positive they did. It helps boosts self-esteem in your partner and the relationship.

Step 5:  THE COUPLE THAT PLAYS TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER

Couples need to have play time. It is so important to have fun, be silly, have adventure, and play. It keeps the relationship alive and helps you connect with your partner even more. If you followed the steps above, you should have a really good idea what your partner considers fun. Now that you know your partner’s interest, match it up with an interest of yours because if you plan an outing to a heavy metal concert when your partner likes classical music, chances are he/she is not going to have fun. If you are having a hard time thinking of something, look to the past… reenact your first date, replicate a day trip you took to wine country. What ever it may be, make sure you do it as often as you feel is necessary to keep the relationship fun and playful.

I'd love to hear what happens when you try one or all of these steps. Please share! 

Warmly, 

Julie 

---