Giving & Receiving Communication
Written By Marissa Lecaros, LMFT-Associate
As I reflect on the work I do with couples, I noticed how many times miscommunication happens or how often defensiveness comes up due to core beliefs. It got me thinking of how many couples want to connect yet at times miss the mark when communicating due to their own internal experience. In Gottman therapy that would be seen as a failed “bid” for connection. So, I thought I would share some information about the communication tool I often tell my clients about - Nonviolent Communication.
Due to life experiences and trauma, sometimes we do not convey the message we want to get across, OR sometimes our partner may interpret it completely differently than intended. That is the duality of things - we can be having a completely different experience than our partner when we are communicating… and that's okay!
Nonviolent communication has 4 parts: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests
The idea is to clearly express how you are without blaming or criticizing, and as well empathetically receiving how you are without hearing blame or criticism. Let me explain a bit more about those 4 parts.
Observations: Sometimes we react to things and are not fully aware of what just happened; maybe it was a build up, maybe we got annoyed, maybe we felt shamed, etc. Observations can be something we notice or hear, and it can give some context into the process of our reality/experience which can then create a shared reality with our partner. When we can be aware and describe what we observe, it can take us away from right/wrong thinking and pull us into accountability, empathy, and connection. It can sound like “When I hear the TV being loud during my meeting…” Let’s talk about the next step.
Feelings: Oftentimes I hear couples say “I feel like you … (fill in the blank)”. When we say “I feel like”, most of the time we are not actually saying a feeling word and we are most likely saying a belief we have. This can create confusion for the partner that is trying to understand, and in severe cases it can cause a lack of empathy due to not being able to connect to the feeling. With feelings, we want to describe our inner experience rather than describe our interpretation of our partner’s actions. For example: “I feel lonely” describes an inner experience, while “I feel like you don’t care about me” describes an interpretation of how the other person may be feeling and may be coming from a core belief we have. We want to focus on our inner experience so our partner can understand our reality. Even if the core belief is said, that can be a moment to then say “When I say that out loud, I realize that I am actually feeling lonely and sad”. If it is hard to choose a feeling word, feel free to look at a feelings wheel!
If we were to continue the path from above it can then sound like “When I hear the TV being loud during my meeting I feel sad and frustrated because…” Next step!
Needs: Nonviolent communication is aimed to help us attempt to communicate in a non shaming/blaming way, and rather than pointing fingers it helps us be curious of how we were feeling in the moment we noticed something happen. For example, let's say your partner forgot to take out the trash after you asked them to and then you all missed trash pick up. You might be feeling frustrated and annoyed and want to say “I told you to take the trash out!” then your partner might react by saying “I was in the middle of doing something why didn't you remind me” Could you guess where this could potentially go? Let’s skip that and say we used nonviolent communication - “I noticed that when the trash did not get picked up, I felt disappointed and not heard.. I need to believe that you respect and hear me.” When we use I statements and lead with how we were feeling in the moment, we can at times receive more empathy as it is not blaming the other person for your own individual feelings. Let’s add to our previous conversation from the other steps: “When I hear the TV being loud during my meeting I feel sad and frustrated because I need to be able to focus as this meeting is important to me and I need to get a sense that I am being respected…” Next and last step!
Requests: This part I find individuals and couples struggle with the most, and it is mostly because some may see this as a demand rather than a request. To make a request, we want to ensure that we are being clear and specific, respectful, empathetic, and open to however the other person receives it. Nonviolent communication sees it as a “positive request” which just means that you are requesting what you want vs what you do not want. For example a positive request could sound like “I would like for us to spend more alone time together by going on a date once a month”. The opposite of this (requesting what you don’t want) would be “I don’t want us to attend so many social events”. I also like to highlight for clients that it is ok if you do not know what you want or need when making a request! Just by doing the first few parts you and your partner can get closer to what the request could be and work as a team. Now, let’s complete our nonviolent communication from the previous steps: “When I hear the TV being loud during my meeting I feel sad and frustrated because I need to be able to focus as this meeting is important to me and I need to get a sense that I am being respected. For the next hour, could the volume please be turned down?”.
I know this might sound difficult to do because we are not necessarily taught to communicate in this way. It just takes practice. If it seems difficult, I typically recommend starting out with just the first 2 parts - Observations and Feelings. You can even preface it by telling your partner you are going to attempt to practice nonviolent communication. Once you feel comfortable, then you can add the Needs and Requests. If you are the one receiving communication, and you do not fully understand, no worries! Use curiosity to reflect back what you heard and ask empathetic questions. The purpose of this is to slow the process down, and get you more curious about your own internal experience and more curious about your partner's internal experiences. Miscommunication happens and that is ok, one of the biggest reasons we communicate is to feel/be connected - be present with each other and notice those bids for connection!
Book Resources:
Marissa is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist - Associate in the state of Texas supervised by Kim Fry, LMFT-S. Her clinical counseling degree is from St. Edward’s University with a concentration in Couples and Family Counseling.